For Victoria

My dearest Victoria Rose,

It has been a while since I last wrote to you (and never really in this blog so far). You just turned 2 on Sat. and you had a wonderful party! You had so many people there; your cup truly does runneth over. Each day I fall more and more in love with you. I am blessed to be home with you ever day and therefore I get to lay down on the sofa with you every day for nap and cuddle you until you fall asleep. Sometimes I just fall asleep with you. Most times I lay there and stare at your perfect face, and kiss your cheeks and nose and eyes while you snore. I love the way you just curl up to me. I try to cherish those moments because I know I will blink and you won't be doing that anymore. I know this because I blinked one too many times and now you're two even though you were just born yesterday. It was just yesterday that I held you every night and cried wondering how I would keep you safe forever. Keep you from the mistakes I made. Keep you from ever having a broken heart. How was I going to be able to keep you innocent forever? I remember nursing you in the wee hours of the morning just smiling....happy that I had that time with you. It was so quite in the house. It was just me and you cuddling in your room. I cry now when I look back to videos of your first solid food (bananas), when you first starting trying to crawl, and your first steps.

I have come to realize that I cannot keep you from ever hurting. Heck, I hurt your feelings daily when I tell you no. You are growing up to be such a beautiful and good little girl though. I get compliments all the time on how good you are. You are the sweetest child and you just have so much love in your heart. I hope that no matter what life brings you, you know that you always have me in your corner. I will always love you no matter what. I pray that you don't have to make the same mistakes I did in life, but I do hope you end  up just as happy....or really, more so. I hope all your dreams come true and I will be there to help make that happen. I hope I never forget you signing "I love you" or saying "I two," "I pretty," and "I smart." I hope I never forget how you say and motion "I love you this much!" I want to always remember how you say "hold you, hold you, hold you" when you want to be held and how hard it is for me to try to correct you because it is the sweetest thing to hear.

Today was a beautiful day and we played outside a lot! We colored with chalk, blew bubbles, worked on pedaling the tricycle, you rode your 4-wheeler, we went to the park and had a picnic (kind of, the wind was blowing so hard we picniced in Daddy's truck) with Daddy and he watched you play on the playground while I ran some. I don't want to ever forget the peace and love I felt while I watched the bubbles drift away while we played. I thought then....this is perfect and I will take this forever. When  we finally finished our day and came inside you danced and sang all over the house. When I would look at you, you would just smile really big. I HAVE to get video of you dancing and singing. You have so much joy in your heart and it is just very obvious.

I hope that one day, when you are much older, you will cherish the letters I write to you and will be able to tell just how much you mean to me. I know that for a very long time you will think they are corny and mushy and you are too cool for such things, but I do hope that one day, when you have a child of your own, you will read these letters and will feel an overwhelming love. I really hope all your life you never doubt that I have such an overwhelming love for you it hurts my heart at times.

I love you sweetheart, and I wish you could remember today too, but you are too little and all the time we have spent together you will never remember. All the smiles, all the hugs, all the kisses, all the cuddling you will forget and all I can hope for is that it builds a bond that lasts forever. All I can hope for is that you are happy and you just remember your childhood as happy and carefree. I will be going back to work about the time you start remembering things and I just hope you never feel like I didn't put you first. You have always been first and you will always be first. I promise I will always have time for you and you will never feel like work came first. You will be 4 and in a pre-k program and I will be teaching, so hopefully our schedules will work well together. That is a long time down the road though and time goes by way too fast for me to live in the future, so I will live for today, for this moment with you that I know I have.