This pregnancy has definitely been a roller coaster. Sometimes I forget how difficult it was to actually get pregnant and I feel sorry for myself over little things. When I felt nauseous for the first 30 something weeks that was definitely a toll. I felt horrible about being upset about it, but really there is only so much one can take. I have had a lot more water retention, constipation, heart burn, pain, tiredness, moodiness.....basically more EVERYTHING this go around than I did with Victoria. Now that I am in my last 12 days I'm starting to get sad. I don't sleep well at night anymore.....I'm just not comfortable. I have to literally roll out of bed when I want to get up. I have to scoot to the front of a seat and push myself up. I have to do squats to pick stuff up. On the flip side I will definitely miss feeling her squirming inside of me. I feel way more with this one than I did with Victoria and I enjoy it. I love watching her make my whole belly move.
I can't wait to meet Miss Emily. What will she look like? Will she look like Victoria? What will her personality be like? We are unsure if we will have a 3rd though so this is kind of bittersweet for me. I actually have not let myself think that it is my last or I would probably cry everyday. No matter how horrible I feel some days I love the miracle of life growing inside of me. If we do have a third it will be 3-4 years down the road. I just can't imagine this being my last go around.
With Victoria and with Emily I wanted a natural, unmedicated birth. With Victoria my OB was going to be out of town the week of my due date and I was so scared of delivering with another doctor I decided to be induced and that is something I regret on a pretty regular basis. I never progressed past 7 and I think that is because I was trying to force my body do something it just wasn't ready for (even though I was 3 cm. and completely effaced by the time I got induced). I ended up with a c-section. I felt like a failure. This time was going to be different. I was just going to wait it out. Well....this time is different. This time I don't have a choice. My baby is breech and despite my best efforts she is not budging. It has been hard to come to terms with. I will say I feel blessed for knowing from 28 wks. that she is breech. I think I would have had a lot harder of a time if she had flipped at 38 or 39 weeks and all my dreams of a natural birth came crashing down. I have to trust that God and Emily know what they're doing....maybe the cord is around her....maybe I actually don't have a very well shaped pelvis or uterus and Emily is best how she is. With Victoria the doctor told me I had a small pelvis or a big baby and Victoria was 7lbs. 2 oz. By looking at me you would never think I had a small pelvis but how big you are on the outside does not influence how big or small your pelvis is.
Anyway,I hoped, I prayed, I tried everything else out there to get my baby to flip but it does not seem to be in the cards. I will be scheduled for a repeat c-section. Sometimes we just don't get what we want. It's hard for me knowing that so many women out there that don't really want to experience birth get to and I don't, but I do get to have a baby and for that I am thankful. Sometimes I forget to look at the bigger picture.....I complain about the little things when really I should be praising God that I have been blessed with this little miracle and in the long run I guess it doesn't matter how she gets here. Maybe if we do have a third I will get my natural birth, maybe I won't, but maybe it doesn't really matter.
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