I'm not who I want to be

I have finally started being able to get in some longish runs lately and I have a lot of time to think during such things. Today I ran 9 miles (I don't really consider them long runs until after like 13)....it took about an hour and half. I thought about a lot.

I thought about how it was an absolutely gorgeous day and how I am so thankful to God for having today.....just having now. Then I thought about how I really need to stop being so....not sure what you call it but constantly wanting more....ya know? Things like.."Oh, well hopefully next year after (hopefully) getting a job...we can get a camper!" You know...maybe we will...maybe we won't but we have so much right now. We have a home, we have vehicles, we have extended family and our core family, we have food in our bellies and clothes on our back. I don't want to be that person anymore. I don't want to plan for what we might have next year. I want to be happy...grateful really, with what we have right now.

I thought about how I lose my patience with Victoria a lot lately. Not like I'm beating her or anything....I just get so tired of everything being an argument. Like this:

V: I get to start a new school when I'm 6!
Me: Actually you'll start a new school when you are 5 because you'll start kindergarten:)
V: No! We have a 4-5 class I'm my school now!! We don't have a 6 class so that is when I start a new school!

Well.....that's very logical....I understand the train of thought there.

Me: I know honey but really you'll start kindergarten when you are 5.5 because it starts in Aug. and you'll be old enough next Aug.
V: (crying and mad) No! I start a new school when I'm 6!!!!
Me: (frustrated because she is yet again crying over something that seems so little) Jeez Victoria! Stop crying about it. It's not a big deal!
V: I start a new school when I'm 6!!
Me: I'm not arguing with you!

Fun stuff. Why do I argue with a 4 year old? Why do I let it get to me so much? This is not who I want to be. I want to have more patience and understanding. It's just so hard lately. Everything is an argument with tears....what to wear...what to eat...when to eat....when to go outside. Everything.

Moving on though....Have you ever been hurt really deep by someone you love? I'm sure you have. It sucks.  Well....I have this problem. I feel like if I could just explain myself enough, if I just try harder, if I just take the blame enough. I mean seriously I just can't let go. I dwell on it. I tell myself every day the cold hard truth of it, and that's this.....that person never really cared about me. It was fake. You can't care about someone, stab them in the back, throw them under the bus, and then call foul and never talk to them about it. If you care you put forth an effort. It's not about me...it's about them. It still hurts that people can treat you like that. I don't want to be the person that dwells on it though. That's not who I want to be. I pray and ask God to take it but it's like I really still don't let Him. Victoria is just starting to get hurt and disappointed in friends and I want to teach her how to handle it appropriately and I have to do that through modeling it myself.

She has a little friend at school that she adores. She told me one day that this friend hurt her feelings because she got on yellow and she wanted her to be on purple (they flip cards for behavior). I told her that her friend did not hurt her feelings but that she disappointed her and that she most certainly did not mean to. I told her all she can do is encourage her friend to have appropriate behavior and that she (Victoria) must always have really good behavior so her friends could see how they should act.

I want her to understand we can't make people behave a certain way or like us or any of that. I want her to grow up always being kind to everyone. I want her to know most people don't hurt us or disappoint us on purpose and you can't be upset about an accident. If somebody does hurt us on purpose then you for sure can't be mad at that person because they are just sad, hurt, and/or angry people and those people need our love and prayers more than those that hurt us on accident. I'm trying really hard to model this. It's hard. I don't want revenge but I somehow think I can fix anything. I can't.

I want to be who God wants me to be. I want to be slow to anger and quick to love. That's not really how the bible verse goes...here ya go "My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry." James 1:19.

So...I'm not who I want to be yet but I was feeling very lost recently and I have been thinking about all this a lot lately....particularly when I run surrounded by God's beauty. I finally realized why I felt lost....because I'm not who I want to be or who God wants me to be. So I've been working on it and I don't think it is something I will ever be perfect at...and that's okay. I am getting better though and I have 2 little angels that make me want it more. Being a parent is hard. It makes you look very closely at who you are and how you are perceived.....at least it should because you have these little beings that learn who to be from who you are.