For Victoria

My dearest Victoria Rose,

It has been a while since I last wrote to you (and never really in this blog so far). You just turned 2 on Sat. and you had a wonderful party! You had so many people there; your cup truly does runneth over. Each day I fall more and more in love with you. I am blessed to be home with you ever day and therefore I get to lay down on the sofa with you every day for nap and cuddle you until you fall asleep. Sometimes I just fall asleep with you. Most times I lay there and stare at your perfect face, and kiss your cheeks and nose and eyes while you snore. I love the way you just curl up to me. I try to cherish those moments because I know I will blink and you won't be doing that anymore. I know this because I blinked one too many times and now you're two even though you were just born yesterday. It was just yesterday that I held you every night and cried wondering how I would keep you safe forever. Keep you from the mistakes I made. Keep you from ever having a broken heart. How was I going to be able to keep you innocent forever? I remember nursing you in the wee hours of the morning just smiling....happy that I had that time with you. It was so quite in the house. It was just me and you cuddling in your room. I cry now when I look back to videos of your first solid food (bananas), when you first starting trying to crawl, and your first steps.

I have come to realize that I cannot keep you from ever hurting. Heck, I hurt your feelings daily when I tell you no. You are growing up to be such a beautiful and good little girl though. I get compliments all the time on how good you are. You are the sweetest child and you just have so much love in your heart. I hope that no matter what life brings you, you know that you always have me in your corner. I will always love you no matter what. I pray that you don't have to make the same mistakes I did in life, but I do hope you end  up just as happy....or really, more so. I hope all your dreams come true and I will be there to help make that happen. I hope I never forget you signing "I love you" or saying "I two," "I pretty," and "I smart." I hope I never forget how you say and motion "I love you this much!" I want to always remember how you say "hold you, hold you, hold you" when you want to be held and how hard it is for me to try to correct you because it is the sweetest thing to hear.

Today was a beautiful day and we played outside a lot! We colored with chalk, blew bubbles, worked on pedaling the tricycle, you rode your 4-wheeler, we went to the park and had a picnic (kind of, the wind was blowing so hard we picniced in Daddy's truck) with Daddy and he watched you play on the playground while I ran some. I don't want to ever forget the peace and love I felt while I watched the bubbles drift away while we played. I thought then....this is perfect and I will take this forever. When  we finally finished our day and came inside you danced and sang all over the house. When I would look at you, you would just smile really big. I HAVE to get video of you dancing and singing. You have so much joy in your heart and it is just very obvious.

I hope that one day, when you are much older, you will cherish the letters I write to you and will be able to tell just how much you mean to me. I know that for a very long time you will think they are corny and mushy and you are too cool for such things, but I do hope that one day, when you have a child of your own, you will read these letters and will feel an overwhelming love. I really hope all your life you never doubt that I have such an overwhelming love for you it hurts my heart at times.

I love you sweetheart, and I wish you could remember today too, but you are too little and all the time we have spent together you will never remember. All the smiles, all the hugs, all the kisses, all the cuddling you will forget and all I can hope for is that it builds a bond that lasts forever. All I can hope for is that you are happy and you just remember your childhood as happy and carefree. I will be going back to work about the time you start remembering things and I just hope you never feel like I didn't put you first. You have always been first and you will always be first. I promise I will always have time for you and you will never feel like work came first. You will be 4 and in a pre-k program and I will be teaching, so hopefully our schedules will work well together. That is a long time down the road though and time goes by way too fast for me to live in the future, so I will live for today, for this moment with you that I know I have.

The bigger picture

Today I was really, really, really depressed. I spent a good portion of the first half of my day crying. I don't know why I was sad. I think it's a lot of things compiling. I'm upset about finances, I'm stressed over school, and and I'm upset that we still have had no luck getting pregnant. I've been pretty sad since Monday; I spent most of that day crying too. I have been trying to get myself out of this funk by getting out and about, but nothing was really working. Well, today I found the thing that worked. Today, I found my way over to another blog that one of my friends has posted a link to on facebook a couple of months ago. The blog in and of itself is not sad, but it does have some sad aspects due to a horrible thing that happened. They lost a child. Yesterday was that child's birthday and he would have been 2. I quickly stopped feeling all sad and sorry for myself for whatever reasons and instead snuggled up to my sleeping baby (who just turned 2 on Sat.) and thanked God that I have today, that I have right now. I watched her sleep and kissed her face and realized that I can sit around letting depression win, or I could realize how very lucky I am and be happy.

The new plan

Two posts in one day? Why yes! Why not? This morning was really rough for me. I woke up to a nasty, unwanted visitor (who was right on time), and I just felt like a loser.....a failure. To grind it in more, for the first time since having Victoria, I had HORRIBLE cramps all day. Well, I have decided to really do a 180 on my lifestyle to see if that helps matters at all. I do drink sometimes and I read that can cut your chances by 50% or more so that out. I am going to cut out my beloved coffee (except for maybe 1 cup here and there) because more than 300 g. of caffeine/day can cut your chances. I am going to start drinking green tea like it is going out of style again because it increases your chances every month by up to 20%. I am going to start at least walking every day for 30 min. to increase blood flow because that is supposed to increase your chances. I am going to start using preseed and be more on top of taking mucinex. If I don't concieve in the next 2-3 months I am taking a break. I just can't keep doing this every month. I just can't keep living my life around keeping track of when to take meds, when I'm ovulating, BD because it's time, testing to see if I ovulated, and then waiting for my period to start. It's not fun and I have been doing it for a long time. We of course would not go back to avoiding, but we would just stop making that the center of our attention and just enjoy each other when we want again and not because the OPK test was positive. I'm hopeful for this cycle....very hopeful, but I am also at peace with my new timeline if it doesn't happen. I have a wonderful little girl and I have said it before and I will say it again; if she is all God blesses with me I am still blessed more than I could have ever imagined. She is the light of my life.

CD 1....Again

Well, this morning I had a very unwanted Visitor. We are now going to take step 2 and have my hubby tested. We really should have already done this, but he was really not up for the idea. He has since come around. Not sure how much longer I can keep posting the same things over and over and over. I'm going to change me diet this go around as well. I don't put much thought into the diets that claim to help you have a boy or girl (or even fertility for that matter), but I am going to give it a go.

More of the same

Well, I had my blood work and it was more of the same this time. Yes I ovulated, but the pregnancy part is negative. I still have to hold out some hope though since it is only 6 dpo. I am supposed to start on Sun., Feb. 20th....I'll give another update around then.

Randomness of my mind

Today came with some surprises.

 First surprise was one of my kiddos did not come today because she was not feeling well. This was a blessing in disguise as I needed to pick up another kiddo by 4, which is about the time the sick kiddo gets picked up.

Second surprise was another positive day on the OPK. I found that out pretty early this a.m. and by mid-afternoon I was in A LOT of pain. I get pain when I ovulate any way, but I seriously considered calling the nurse because it was pretty rough and that's not such a great thing. She said to call if it was any worse than normal, but I kept going back and forth with myself on if it was normal ow or extraordinary ow. It was so bad though that I decided against running this afternoon since walking wasn't even really happening.

Third surprise was on how incredibly long it took me to get from point A to point B this afternoon to pick up kiddo from the bus and I was late. I felt HORRIBLE! I mean that doesn't even really describe it. I mean it was less than a minute late, but still. My job is to be there when she gets off that bus and the fact that I wasn't is really getting to me.

Forth surprise was how quick my day went.....which leads me to...I need to make a schedule for my day. I mean I have a schedule for the kiddos that I stick to pretty well, but I need something more concrete because random things get my attention and take too much time from my day. Oh, and I have started procrastinating with school lately (which is really easy to do since it's all on-line) and I really don't like how that feels. I have been staying on top of dishes and laundry like a champ, but I want to add more teaching time in for the kiddos as well. This all led me to my fifth surprise.

Fifth surprise was how much God has been tugging at my heart. Church means a lot to me. There was a time that I felt like as long as I was doing the right thing and praying that church was not necessary, but that time has passed. I just feel at peace when I go to church, and I think I am a calmer person all around. I love the way God makes me feel when I give him even a small slice of time. There are a few things I have wanted for a while.....a new Bible and a study guide aimed at being a better, more patient mother....the kind of mother that God wants me to be. I was doing a great job at going every week, but got out of the habit back in....well....I don't know...that's how long ago. I mean we've made it a couple times here and there, but for the most part it's not been happening for one reason or another. No more excuses. If I have to go by myself I will. I want to be a bigger part in my church as well and I am going to start that process with finding out which Sunday school class I should be in. I don't like my impatient, mad self lately and I know I only have myself to blame. You know your heart is not where it is supposed to be when you feel guilty with God. I am going to work harder on daily devotionals and getting to church.

To end this blog on a random note......I need to find my camera and start adding in pics. I take horrible pics, but anything to break up the column of text would be great!

Positive OPK

Today I got my positive OPK! Pretty excited, but kind of expected it for a couple of reasons.

1. I have a fade in pattern. The test strip gets a little darker every day until it is as dark as the control.
2. I ALWAYS have a positive on day 16.

Anyway, positive OPK = BD today and the next 2 for sure and an extra "insurance" day wouldn't hurt just in case I ovulate late after my positive. I've been taking Robitussin or Mucinex daily for like the last 3 days. Not all day, just 2 doses at night with the Robitussin or just once with the Mucinex. I actually need to go get more. I am really, really, really, wanting this to my month. Hopefully this extra effort will help. I go Mon. for a blood test, but I don't expect that to be positive even if I am because the soonest a test would be positive is like 6 days after you ovulate. Implantation takes 6-12 days after ovulating and you don't get a positive pregnancy test until after implantation. Just thinking out loud....kind of.....

Anyway....I'm just really excited and hopeful for this cycle:)

MMMMM....PIE!

I feel like a blogging fool lately! I feel great today......and I decided to make a chocolate by for the hubs because of it. Weirdness. Anyway, I ate half the pie already! I LOVE pies! My fave is Dutch apple, but I will take the chocolate one sitting in my fridge any day:) Needless to say the sweet tooth has returned....great....now I have to run more.

More random train of thought ......spoke to the nurse about how wonderful Clomid treated me this go around and she said that is good news and that means your body is adjusting well to it. That was great to hear! Next up is, I get a blood test on Valentine's day so hopefully that will say I'm preggo and that will be a wonderful gift for the hubs! Men are so hard to shop for and he's getting a little stressed about the kiddos being so far apart. And last, but certainly not least, since I have been watching a barely 4-month-old kiddo, I don't feel so stressed about getting preggo AND I don't miss little V being a baby so much anymore. I mean this child is an angel don't get me wrong, but I forgot how little interaction there really is. I mean kiddo gets a bottle 1.5 hrs. after she gets here....sleeps for like 2 hrs., wakes up takes a bottle and is up for 1.5 hrs. and takes another 2 hr nap! She's a champion sleeper! I LOVED that closeness I had with little V and I am so happy I got to see all her firsts......like rolling over, sitting up, crawling, walking, etc. I am just so over the moon happy that we have such a great and interactive relationship now. I love that she is potty trained and so we aren't going through that stress. I love that she learns a ton of new things everyday. I love how she grabs my face in both hands and gives me a great big kiss. I love that she can tell me what she wants. I was looking at my little princess today thinking.....man, she is really looking and acting like a little kid now.....gone for sure are the baby days. I welcome the older toddler and little kid stages ahead though:) She makes me laugh everyday and I am so proud of her.